Bad news

Today I received a reality check that puts my death plans in perspective. For a week now, now have had terrible problems with congestion. You can actually hear the rattle across the room. This is very miserable, becomes intolerable when I lay down for a few hours (phlem accumulates). Some relief is offered by a few drugs and and an inhaler, but this will also get worse. I cannot tolerate this if it gets worse. So sometime quite soon, I am going to launch my plan — which is to refuse dialysis. From that point, only a week or so until the funeral.

As you know, Celeste and I need some help getting funeral content together, so if you have an anecdote or story, I would very much enjoy seeing some of these soon, as I would like to read them before I go.

Alive

I am sorry if I have freaked out any of you by not posting for so long I am as alive as I have been!

Where did I go?

Well. NYD was wonderfully celebrated if you consider that there were in attendance more children than adults, that most of the children were under age 7, and that at least 4 of the children were boys. Fortunately, with the exception of 6 month old, all of these children have known each ofter and knew how to play with each other with minimum supervision and injury. And it was wonderful to spend the long weekend with high school friends who over the many years have become family.

Shortly after the NYE celebration, both of our children became sick. That’s bad on it’s own, it is also a risk for me. So off to The Arc. That’s the hospice place where I am going to die sometime. Nice place. Not much like a hospital. And the food was *terrible* but that is not a big deal by the time I am ready to kick the bucket, I won’t be eating much.

But as nice as THE ARC was, I’m glad to be home.

Over the Last Few Days…

Christmas went well. It was nice having the house full of people and conversation. Also I appear to be getting better control of nausea, so I can eat a little bit more. The cough is about to same and I am on supplemental oxygen most of the time.

Yesterday, I had a short by very enjoyable visit from Lyle McDonald (researcher, author, and publisher of the most credible fitness and diet books) and his lovely girlfriend Sarah. I have only known these two characters online, so it was a blast meeting them in person.

Check out Lyle’s website: www.bodyrecomposition.com

And now, we are getting ready for my favorite holiday: New Year’s Eve. All of my St. Louis friends (along with kids) and a family from Michigan are going to be here. Hopefully I will feel well enough to be at least somewhat social.

More later.

Your turn

All of you wonderful and kind people seem to have lots of funny, nice, and revealing things to say about me. My funeral sounds like a good place for stories, memories, etc. about me. Told by you.

I would not mind hearing some of these myself, but don’t plan to be alive at my funeral. So could you post some in this thread? We don’t need or want Shakespearean sonnets. Just simple human narratives about real experiences we have shared.

Plus, if you cannot make it to the funeral but have a decent story, anecdote, or memory to share, someone who will be there can share it for you.

Okay, the rest is up to you, my friends.

Finding the Cemetary

I know all of this talk about cremation, coffins and cemeteries isn’t the most exciting stuff — altough we did get into some good discussion of what it means to be Jewish. Well, there’s just two our topics in the venue selection: the cemetery and the Rabbi. Everything else is the us part (well, your part, but I’ll be with you in spirit.)

We’ll call some rabbis today. Can you guys help with the cemetery part? I know some have been mentioned already. This might help limit the choices:

I want a grave-stone like the one above (yes, that’s Dan’s father’s).
One great advantage over a typical gravestone is that children can interact with it in a lovely way.

ashes to ashes

So, I’m thinking of not getting cremated any more. Just getting buried in the least environmentally awful casket available to us. That simplifies being buried in a Jewish cemetery and having a Rabbi do some of the funeral (Part I). The Rabbi will have to be an atheist, and I think I have found one I really like.

As for having gems and diamonds created out out of me — we can still do that. They can do it out of hair.

cremation v. jewish cemetery

My wonderful friend, Stephanie, who was visiting yesterday, informed me that Jewish Cemeteries will not let cremated people be buried therein. Only “whole” people can be buried in Jewish Cemeteries so that at some point, they can be resurrected.

Why do I, an atheist, want to buried in a Jewish Cemetery? Why do I who have not set foot in a synagogue in years or maybe decades want to be buried in a Jewish Cemetery?

Because I am a Jew. And while some would consider me less of a Jew for not believing in God, such a restrictive view is no more binding on my life than that view that my daughters are not Jewish because their mother was not born to a Jewish mother, or that I am less of a Jew for having married Celeste.

Moreover, community is at the heart of Judaism. And any view that would mechanically exclude me, Celeste, Charlotte and Annelise and tens of thousands like us cannot be said to be fully interested in the vitality or survival of such a community.

So more research is needed regarding the venue issue. There are secular/humanistic congregations of Jews in Chicago — I plan to contact them tomorrow.

Also, note how interesting issues arise in funeral planning!

Cremation & Cemetery Space

For a long long time, I thought I would choose cremation when the time came. But a year ago, I changed my mind. I realized my daughters and I derived a great deal of pleasure from spending time in the cemetery plots of my father and grand-mother.

Then Dan and I kicked around the topic a few nights ago. Dan explained that I can be cremated AND have a plot in a cemetery. In fact, Dan’s father did exactly that — he was cremated, but also purchased a lovely spot at a cemetery. There, instead of a standard tomb-stone, he placed a lovely granite bench with his name on it. (I think some of his ashes are buried there too). Over time lots of photos have accumulated with children sitting on that bench. Relatives have written books of poetry sitting on it.

I LOVE what Dan’s father did. I love the bench instead of tomb-stone idea — I can imagine my mom, daughters, wife, friends spending quiet or mirthful moments on it. The bench will be especially useful to my mother, who is disabled and cannot stand on her own for long.

As for the ashes, Celeste can find an elegant way to distribute some of them to those who desire them. Charlie and Anya will definately get a share. Plus, some of the ashes can be made into diamonds and jewels. Seriously there’s a company that does this.

So, a few questions:

1. Any cemetery suggestions? We prefer one in the Chicago suburbs. A Jewish cemetery would be preferable.

2. Any good local engraver who can make a really cool granite bench/tomb-stone.

3. Any thoughts about how creepy or cool it would be for the girls to have diamonds/jems made out of my ashes. The quality of the stones is fairly high and the cost is not insane.

4. Any other thoughts re issues raised above?

We’re not done yet.

This blog has been somewhat dreary of late. But while his body is slowly giving way, Alex is very much not dead yet, and is actually in much better spirits than recent posts suggest (although weak enough that he needs some guest blogger help).

Given that he will be going, however, he and Celeste have been thinking about what he would like us to do afterwards. So, from here on out, he would like to use this blog to talk less about his cancer and more about his ideas for a gathering at which we can share our thoughts and remember our friend. That way we can say goodbye and the girls will always know what we know about their dad.

Please keep reading. Alex will post more about this.