We met with Rabbi Chalom for several hours. That was great.
Now we need to find a cemetery that can do a bench and has nearby or adjacent center where the service can take place. Not much luck there so far. And then there is my task: a letter to the girls. Not sure what to share yet, so if you have advice: go for it.
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Tell them how much they mean to you, and that you love them, nothing more. There’s really nothing else to say, and that’s what they’ll want and need to remind themselves of in the future, that their dad has their back, always.
just start writing. the more words they have of yours after you are gone the better. they will appreciate every single bit you have to share. a lot.
I would have loved a letter from my father before he passed away. So here’s my list of what I would have liked in my letter:
* What attributes he saw in me that he liked
* What his memories of the day I was born
* What things I should learn about his life that weren’t obvious
* What things he thought I should do in my life
* What his childhood was like
* What were his favorite memories of us together
* What little things he thought were special between us
* What “life lessons” he thought were important for me to know now or later
That’s all I can think of now. I think you should speak from you heart and don’t leave out the little things. Some of the little things are what I remember most about him.
I love you hon. *big hugs*
My dad was stationed in Korea for a year when I was in 5th and 6th grades. I still have all the letters he sent and reread them occasionally. His letters were a collection of apologies for not writing sooner, complaints about my mom, and good stuff, too: about how he missed me or how proud he was of my school work. Those letters meant a lot to me both as a kid and now as an adult.
To Kalki’s list, I’d add:
* what you saw in the girls’ mother. How did you meet? What was your day-to-day relationship like? What qualities do you think the girls should look for in life partners?
I’d also recommend two letters. One for right now, while the girls are small and one for when they’ve grown up and can handle more.
For the “right now” letter, I’d include mostly stuff about them: their good qualities and your good memories together. And something they can use when they feel sad and lonely and when they miss you. Sit on Daddy’s bench. Talk to Mommy. Draw pictures. Tell stories about Daddy to each other. Simple things to keep your memory alive and strong for them. If you have any nicknames that only you call them, make sure to put those in the letters. Those things are so easy to get lost.
For the “grown up” letter, all those things Kalki listed.
I wish you time to finish things the way you want them finished,
val
I completely agree with Val.
Start with love, and memory, and let the words flow from there. If they flow, they are likely to cover all the things Kalki said, and Val said, and more. And if they flow, then you don’t need to worry about length:
When the words run dry, simply rest the page, and a little later, re-read with Celeste to extract the several sentences that will speak clearly to them here and now… and archive the rest to be gifted at a later date. The best of both worlds. Short and sweet for now; the subtler flow when ready.
Whatever you do will be wonderful, just right. Your love and care for them assure that, and will mean the world to them. Already does. *hug*
- Heath
Another quick thought: If you have the means — audio recorder on a laptop, even — a spoken version might allow you to freely associate more fully, and leave a pretty wonderful gift in voice. Since the need right now is for brevity, you could extract quotes from that or write another short one after the fact… all I know is that the oral recordings I took of my own grandmothers before they passed away are tremendously precious to me, and full of their life and character. Love, -h
I have to agree with some form of audio/visual… my mother used to hold my daughter in her lap while playing on the computer… Mo was about 3-4 years old at the time and she quickly grasped the idea of when/how to click the mouse so that the webcam would record video of her… anyway, mom used to sit with her and let her make video after video… I cherish all of them because my little girl is nearly 16 now and capturing those younger moments means everything – especially now that I’m older/she’s older.
What I miss the most from my dad (he died suddenly when I was 7) at this point are my memories of him. I know who he was to my mother, but I don’t remember who he was to me but little bits and pieces. I have a vague sense, but that’s it. I suppose I wanted to know more about him. How he saw the world, how he saw history, how he saw where he came from, and how he got to where he was. Anecdotes, funny little things, you know, those crazy times that you laugh about with your friends. Silly moments that are human moments – from childhood to adulthood.
I didn’t have a collection of my dad’s friends around me to serve as reminders of who he was, but I know your girls are not in that situation. Even still, though. Kalki’s list is a great list (as are the additions offered.) I just know, that for me, I miss being able to conjure his likeness, his personality, in my head.
Maybe a video?
I gave my dad a birthday card one year that just had a list of my favorite memories with him. The proudest, happiest ones and even the sad, hard ones where we were together. I think both of us broke down a bit when he got it and called me. I think you need to get a shell going soon and then add more details with time. I don’t know how you’re feeling but I want you to write it while you still have all your energy and mental acuity.
Kalki’s list is a good one… how you met Celeste, how you felt when you found out they each were coming and when they were born. I think if I were them I would be whatever letters you leave, but at least one personal I would want to be for ME, and one could be for myself and my sister together. So I think you might have 3 letters to right. You could put the more general stuff in the ‘to-both’ letter and the specifics about each of them in the other… I don’t know for sure if that will be easy for you but I guess if I had letters and photos to remind me of my dad, I’d want one of them to just be for me.
Again, I really like Randy Pauschs’ last lecture I linked to you once. I am moved every time I see it becaust it has the ‘lasting advice from dad’ component to it. I am sure your letters will be equally amazing and I’m glad you’re writing them. You have an eloquence and a gift for thought and reason which astounds us all.
Like many of us here, I will sit on your bench someday my friend. And as my eyes tear up, I will still beam a rueful smile and think of how awesome you were. In fact if you want to put ‘He was so damn awesome.’ on there, I am okay with that and will let you borrow my phrase.
You may want to check with the Rabbi on the ‘damn’ part, they may have a Bono rule or something.
Glad to hear that you found a rabbi that you are comfortable with.
Kalki put together a good list…I wish I would have had the same. The biggest thing is giving them a reminder of how much you love them. I would suggest a letter for each of them. You may want to say almost the same thing to each but I think it will be important for them to have their own.
Along with the things written by everyone above, have you told them about Kiev? Have you told them of what America means to you, as an immigrant? Have you written down your memories of what your life was like, as you remember it, before you got here? And are there any things, objects, photos, locations from memory, that have extra meaning for you? Have you documented this? If there is something you have treasured, write down why, it will be treasured for those same reasons, and also because you treasured it, and it will become a talisman.
We used to discuss, you and I, our memories of being immigrants, of how we integrated and yet remained in part the immigrants, if you can, somehow give the girls a taste of who you were at their ages when not yet here.
Sandra
Written, your words are so powerful. For them to see the expression of your thoughts and love, tangible.. something they can touch and hold.
Video/audio… a treasure. Tell stories; stories of your childhood, your loves, your losses, your favorite colors, books, smells, the moment you knew and loved them… your favorite memories of them.
You cannot talk enough. Even if you have multiple videos that are only 1 minute or 10 minutes… it won’t matter.
It’s you and it’s for them, it’s something they can see.. touch.. listen to and share.
My prayers and love.
Say everything you ever wanted to say or think you may want to say. Advice you think they may need from you when the time comes. I just discovered you today. You are pretty damn amazing. Just these words I read tonight from you are amazing and I am just some stranger who found you on twitter. Say it all. There is no limit, this isn’t twitter so you have a whole lot more than 140 characters.
I wish you well and I know you will find the perfect words.
~RM1
And if you can…make a video too. It’s always nice to have something visual. But if you do decide to do it – make it something happy if you can. Leave the serious stuff for the written word. For a video show them all the beautiful things you loved in the world.
So, just a bench and no headstone? This may sound strange, but since I’m going to miss your funeral, I was looking forward to bringing some interesting stones from Iraq and putting them on your headstone. Since there’s going to be no headstone, where would you like them? Also, I’ve been thinking about calling you, but I’m not sure if the call would be welcome. If you would/wouldn’t like me to call, let me know.
As for the letter, I think it would be cool to write it in stages. Like, write one letter for their grammar school years, one for pre-teen years, etc. Put advice and observations you had from that age. Then, Celeste can have them read the letters either when they reach certain ages, or when they reach certain developmental milestones. Outline how you felt at that age, what your difficulties were and how you overcame them. In addition, write each of them a letter outlining how you feel about them individually. Since they’re too young right now to read them, maybe those would be best said in a video.
I’ve just read your entire blog after a friend in LA (by way of Chicago) linked it on Twitter. I think you may want to write each girl multiple letters for different times in their lives: first heartbreak, studying for SAT’s and trying to get into colleges, high school graduation, going off to college, getting married, what it’s like to have newborns, etc. Those are all major milestones in life. Maybe you want to give them a list of people who’ve visited you during your hospital stays, friends/family who can tell them stories about what you’re like. I’m so sorry for your impending loss of life. Clearly you are going to be missed dearly.
just from the island here. i think it is great you are writing a letter. it will be something your children (and your family) will really cherish forever. right now, at their age, your kids will probably want to read about a few specific memories you have with each of them. later they will look for your advice and learning experiences, i would imagine. Kalki’s list and all the suggested additions sound perfect.
i too am glad you’ve found a rabbi you like. i wish you the strength you need to write this important letter. my thoughts are with you and your family
I pretty much agree with what everyone else said, particularly different letters for different levels of the girls’ development. However, if I were writing the letter I think I’d sit and think for a while on what sorts of things I’d want to be able to ask my own dad, and include that. I don’t really have specific ideas on that since I don’t know the girls, but if you can imagine what you’d have wanted to ask your dad if he wasn’t there (or even things you HAVE asked him), I’d include the answers to those questions in your letter(s).
What about time capsule letters like what Tom suggested? Like a letter for when each of them is ten years old, an ones for twenty-year-olds, etc. and ages in between of course.
Charlie, at least, will have memories of things she learned from you and that are a part of her. Might be nice to let them know what you learned from them, too.
Alex, another thought.
Maybe letters for milestones? Graduating from middle school. HIgh School. Getting their driver’s license. Getting into college. First heartbreak. Graduating from college. Having children. Getting married.
There is no question that your family will miss you every day, but those who I know who have lost a parent have these absences highlighted during these sorts of occasions.
Best to you and yours.
Alex, my Dad died when I was young – a few years older than Charlie. The one thing I have, beyond some photos, is a tape (audio, this was in prehistoric times of course) of him reading some favourite poems. Being very honest (because I am pretty sure you would have it no other way), at times it was too hard to listen to. However, being able to hold onto his voice forever means a great deal.
Sending much love.
Alex, haven’t seen you since U of C, but felt compelled to post now.
My dad died when I was 13. I received a letter he wrote to me ten days before he died just recently. The positive honest stuff resonated. The negative parts did not.
One thing I would have liked–but perhaps it is too weird– is a card or a note delivered when I graduated high school, college, on my wedding day, when my first child was born, my 13th, 16th, 21st birthday….. Instead of one letter for now, and one for when they are grown, how about a series of short ones that would mark the big events in life. There are specific moments when I really wondered what my dad might have thought and a note (or poem) would have been nice.
I admire the attention you have given to detail in these matters-but of course would expect nothing less.
Wishing you well.
Wow. Alex, you literally saved my bacon when you guys took me in after my, er… wife walked out on me. You turned a disaster into a good year.
That was a real act of human goodness. And I really enjoyed getting to know you.
In terms of what to tell the kids, I have two thoughts. The first is that you’re *moral* in an incredibly deep way, a way that might be hard for them to understand because very few people are committed to their values in the way you are committed to them. It’s something I always found remarkable about you, and I think it’s something your friends would have a hard time describing in a way that would give them access to that part of your identity as adults.
There’s something there rare and vital and unique, and I think you could describe it for them as you see it and feel it in a way we won’t be able to effectively describe. That’s one thing.
The other thing that strikes me is that they’re going to want to know that you were happy a lot.
I hope that the rest is on your own terms, Alex. My best wishes, and all my love.
You don’t know me but you are a co-worker of my husband’s – He mentioned your blog one day and I stumbled on it tonight after a visit to his office. A friend of mine died a year ago, leaving two young children also. She made videos and letters to her children. One thing she did was write letters for her children to be opened on certain occasions. Such as: first day of school, a day when you’re teased, first sporting event, first date, etc. She also read to her chidlren a lot, so she made bookmarks with notes on them for her chidlren to use as they get older. I don’t know if those ideas are useful for you, but I thought I would share. I wish you and your family the best.
Maybe an easy way to get started…
The thing I remember most about being 3 was.. okay I barely remember being 3.
The thing I remember most about when I was 4 was…
First grade, what i remember most was…
etc etc. It’s an outline..some bullet points can be brief, others can be immense.
Feel free to throw in side points and digress all over the place. If I was reading it or listening to you talk about it, I’d like that. And while on that subject of listening … if you feel your strength is going and you are weak and not up to video, take the meds, get in the right frame of mind and just record audio. I would love to have some audio of all my loved ones. Read a poem or record 4 hours of ‘my memoirs, by alk’. What ever you do will be treasured by them. If you read any particularly meaningful poem by the way that means something to you, I would like to hear that as well.
hugs
Mike
Alex, when my brother-in-law passed away(my sister’s husband) some of the most powerful words that were expressed were him telling his wife it is ok to “Love” again & be happy & to his two girls that it’s ok for mom to “Love” again when the time is right. He expressed over & over that “daddy is no longer suffering” & that he is now their angel in heaven. That he is in a better place b/c he is not suffering anymore. He really wanted to make sure that they all knew that they could be happy again one day. Hope that helps. God bless,
Lisa
I just read a letter from my late grandfather, sternly reminding his children of their obligation to honor and take care of my grandmother for the rest of her life. I thought it was great, and pretty funny, that he could still admonish his kids from beyond the grave.
It almost didn’t matter what he wrote, it was just nice to see his handwriting, and to remember how deeply he cared about his family. I think your wife and kids will feel the same.
I also love the idea of providing a stack of envelopes for major milestones, including short notes from you, so your loving words can be part of their big days.
Could a stone be made in the shape of a bench for a “standard” cemetery? It could perhaps be typical size, but shaped with 2 bum-spots? Or a flat stone with a bench over it?
Sigh